The older I get...and the older my kids get...the more I start to think that this whole parenthood thing is about more than just raising a bunch of younguns up to be hardworking, contributing members of society. There are times that I think the whole process is supposed to be fun...other times when I'm sure it's some form of punishment...but, more often than not, I get the distinct idea that God is trying to tell me something through it all.
Perfect example to follow: Colby is Twin A. Colby is also a little delayed. Quite honestly, I've asked God many times what qualified me...one of the most impatient, merciless and demanding people I know of...to receive the blessing of a special needs child. Now before any of you think I'm being sarcastic here, I truly do see Colby as a blessing from God. AND I truly do wonder, at times, how I ranked up there as anyone God thought would be good at raising such a wonderful child. In case you're wondering, special needs children do not come with instruction manuals. And while there are general operating procedures that apply across the board when parenting children with delays, because each is an INDIVIDUAL PERSON each involves unique process - with an extremely high learning curve. So...all of this to say that it's very interesting to me that God assigned someone (me) who prides himself on his ability to persevere and overcome and dominate any situation, task or objective with a situation, task and objective which he feels wholly inept, under equipped, and incapable of dominating! Did I mention that parenting could be God trying to tell me something.
Ok...so all of the above is somewhat extraneous information to get us to the point where you understand that when it comes to Colby...way more than with my other two kiddos...I tend to stay in "what do I do now" mode instead of "I got this" mode. I'm pretty sure that God is up to something in that area, some kind of lesson...or whole course...that He's trying to school me in. So, here goes lesson of the week. Colby has a beautifully endearing flaw...he apologizes for everything!
I say it's beautiful because of two things: 1 - Colby is beautiful! He gets his handsomeness from his dad and he uses it well! Colby is such a cute kid that people are willing to overlook every other flaw he may have. 2 - Colby longs for and cultivates (well, I might add) meaningful relationships! I realize that Colby wants, more than anything, for us to be happy with him. He is sweet and loving and desires a relationship with everyone he meets. He never meets a stranger. Another area that is so weird to me because I barely talk to my friends! Yet, I have a child who delights in striking up conversations with complete strangers. (A topic for another post)
Now, as beautifully endearing as Colby is...at the same time, Colby is incessantly impulsive. He wants what he wants when he wants it. This means that he ends up doing things all the time for which he gets into trouble. ALL THE TIME!!!! Of course, my high expectations of him mean that I, immediately, come down on him for the wrongs. Colby-man doesn't get much wiggle room...b/c if he did he could do some major damage...like blow up the world damage! This leads us to his beautiful flaw...anytime Colby gets in trouble, he immediately says, "I sorry...you forgive me?" It sounds cute, but when the whole gallon of milk is lying on the floor...or when he's wet his pants for the 150th time because he was too busy to go to the bathroom...or when he's decided to play with his Nintendo DS or remote control car in the bathtub...trust me, it's not! Does he mean it? On the surface, definitely! He doesn't want anyone to be upset with him so he apologizes. However, does he mean it to the point that he's willing to change his future behavior? That part I'm not sure of. In fact, I'm not sure if he's even capable of connecting those dots right now. So....we get a lot of apologies from Colby, but not much change in the area of behavior!
Here's where the lesson hits home for me. Most of the things he asks me to forgive him for are things he's done over and over and over and over and over again! Things I've fussed and fussed and fussed and fussed and punished and punished and punished him for. Yet, he continues to do them. THIS IS SUCH A FRUSTRATING PROCESS! But as frustrating as it is, you know what? Everytime he says, "I sorry...you forgive me", guess what I do...I forgive him! Are there consequences? Yes. But do I forgive? Yes! Why? Because I love the little boogar! And I know that he has issues he's struggling with!
Now I don't know if you're good at drawing parallels or not so I'll trace this out for you. Colby is just like me...and you! I do the very same thing with God! It seems like I do the same ole wrong things over and over and over again. And, when I feel convicted (i.e., the Holy Spirit fusses at me) I immediately say, "I sorry, God...you forgive me?" THIS HAS TO BE SUCH A FRUSTRATING PROCESS FOR GOD! But as frustrating as it is, you know what? Everytime I say, "I sorry...you forgive me", guess what He does...He forgives me! Are there consequences? Yes. But does He forgive? Yes! Why? Because He loves this ole boogar! And He knows that I have issues I'm struggling with!
Sometimes I get a little irritated that Colby has trouble "getting it"...then I'm reminded (by that still small voice) that I don't "get it" either! What's worse is that, if I'm honest, I must admit that most of the time I don't even want to "get it". And, for that, I must also say, "I sorry, God...you forgive me?"
So, yeah, this whole parenting thing...could be that God is trying to tell me, and you, a little something through it all. My Colby has special needs, but guess what...SO DO I AND SO DO YOU! Man, do I seriously need to get a clue!
